When I was in school( high school), I didn’t quite get through it below the radar, behind the scenes. Being in an all girls school, and the tom boy that i was, meant I was different, interesting, and perhaps even attention getting. Anyway, that was a time long ago (perhaps another blog to get into), when I was still unsure, hormones raging, confused, peer pressured. Perhaps it all started with my dad being really strict about what his only daughter should be doing, never taekwando, or riding a bicycle with her ass sticking out, going out and doing sporting activities. All he wished his son would do, but his daughter secretly wished dad would let her. In the end I rebelled and thought, if i cant do all these things as a girl, I’m just might as well go all boy on my Dad. And so i did. I wore big t-shirts and shirts baggy jeans and my hair cropped short (even shaved at the sides) and he didn’t have a say anymore. To his relief I wont be having any boyfriends anytime soon, so he was more forgiving in letting go out and do the things i like. So it all worked out, i think. But with that I started getting attention in school. Juniors and seniors alike started to take notice, notes and letters from secret admirers and whole load of greeting cards during Christmas and birthdays. I didn’t deserve all that attention, but i got it anyway. It was nice and unforgettable when i was voted captain of the Blue House for year 1996, the last year of high school. I was useless to the eyes of the advising board of teachers that they had to vote twice and i still won anyway, voted by my peers and juniors. It was really a rewarding feeling for teenager to be loved and accepted, even though my teachers were probably right; i had little responsibility in me then (and maybe now). High School was one of the best times of my life. Not even college, even though i experienced many first then, it was weird and i was misundestood, another story for the blogs i guess.
Fast forward 15 years and I realized I am hardly popular anymore. And no it does not bothers me. I’m merely realizing it now. I dont get many greeting cards during Christmas or on my birthday. Probably a card or two from my Realtor and insurance agent. Probably it’s part of their tasks to ensure I don’t forget them. I dont get my calendar filled with dinner and weekend plans. The messages, gifts and invitations i do receive are from friends and family near and dear to me. I try my best to show them the same affection and attention as i can. I try my best to spend quality time with. During my times of struggles, mind boggling dilemmas and emotional uneven-ness, I have a just a few numbers to call and pour my heart out. And they know me and my situation. And I appreciate all the advice and comments, however negative or positive they can be. Sometimes you just got to give others opinion a chance. You don’t always have everything right.
I just find it hard to spread my time thin across so many people. Like peanut butter spread out too thin over so many slices, it doesn’t even taste good anymore. You just lose that quality time. Some people are very good at keeping up with the friends and a lot of them. I find it very hard and a little fake too. Well that’s just my opinion, I’m entitled to one. Maybe what works for them don’t work for me. And i accept it. I don’t criticize it done by others but i know I’m incapable of such juggling-time/energy social skills.
All in all I love the time i spend with the few friends i have today and enjoy the other time alone, to myself, doing my own thing, in the privacy of my own home, reading, watching tv, playing around with photo editing (very little these days), meddling on FB and blogging (once in 6 month). I don’t feel lonely. I cherish my privacy and those close few friends i have that I know I can count on in times of need. So from popular in high school, I’m a wall flower as an adult and loving it.
