Wow its been a while, but the nightmares still doesnt stop. Far less and fewer. Thank god for that. Well the truth is, it began only when i let the ugly sink in. For the first time. Before that i lived in denial. One big crazy denial that almost got the best of me.
The other day my dream wasnt any good, but perhaps it was the fear that always knew its place in the back of my mind never backing off even though the treath no longer exist. I woke up from my dream in sweat and an inevitable tear. I pull myself together half-way sitting up in the comfort of my bed, almost disoriented that it was only a dream and i was safe .
By what grace that im here and safe, is something i will always be thankful and grateful about. Even if my beliefs and ability to trust has been somewhat skewed i know i will most definitely recover with the right kind of person to endure my healing process. So far for that too, i have been blessed
Anyway yesterday i was getting my regular dosage of eyebrow threading, the lil few things i do for the sake of vanity. Perhaps the only thing, but wow, it is the most painful one. For those of you wondering what in the world it is, its an act of getting a person masterful of the skill to pluck out your eyebrows with a thread, to shape it to perfection. Ouchy it still hurts every time. I dont know which is more painful. Waxing legs or eyebrow threading.
Anyway as i waited patiently for my turn, i noticed the shop girl working alone in a frantic self. Still with many customers and i know the place closes at 7pm. Finally it was my turn and the shop girl seem so frantic. I noticed she was threading and also manning the cash machine and letting the customer out one at a time once they were done, all by herself. Wonder where the other girl was today. I notice she had a lil baby bump as she moved around so hurriedly. I was even more worried seeing her.
Finally it was my turn. I notice she managed to do a pretty damn good job getting almost everyone out before 7. And as i got onto the chair, she hurried me too. I looked, there was a good 15 minutes left and she seems to be as quick as lightning. So i looked outside as i hurried myself to my seat. It was raining, so i told her, well it’s raining how are you going to leave anyway. And she said her husband will be waiting. And then my mind went into its crazy flashbacks. Almost like the ones you see in the movies. The time when i had to rush franticly out of anything i was doing, whether at work, meeting a friend if i was allowed to, getting ready or just about anything. Just so that another fight wont break out again. Another acusation. A whole cycle of fear, panic,sometimes even indifference, thinking that maybe this time some really bad will happen and i will free one way or the other. Could she be in that same faith i once was. To fear someone so much you start acting weird just so you please them? Well i realized perhaps it’s just my paranoia, maybe she’s got to get the kids at the nursery or mybe have an important dinner she is rushing of to, but yet i can help wondering the bad stuff. I would never ever wish that on anyone though, no matter how horrible that person is to me i am just not that heartless.
Anyway i know i will never stop being paranoid when i see things and hear things about people and relationships. I may a little too one sided. Well i know i am free now of that entrapment and free to live my live, be myself again. Slowly i will heal, i know and i forever grateful of the powers that be.
